As we all continue to explore the calamity that was/that is I would like to be honest, in ways that I haven't been for a long time, because I know you are reading this, I will refer to you directly.

Charles- Nothing was handled well, on either end of our relationship, for months long before we broke up. This both of us know. As you further know, my hopes for what has gone on these past few months has completely backfired due to my own issues. This both of us know. While I hoped that you would spend some time missing me, you moved on. As I continued to hope, I fell apart. I've fallen so far down into the hole that I have dug myself, sometimes I think I can see China (or Soviet Russia, depending on your preference) peeking out on the other side. The allegations you have brought against me are painful. While I cannot say they hold no merit, based upon my previous actions, I can tell you with full confidence that they are untrue. I do not believe it is necessary to regurgitate my life for the past 4 months to you because I'm sure, in all honesty, you couldn't give a rat's ass. This is fine with me. Over the past 6 or 7 years you have learned my mental processes enough to know that the place I've been isn't pretty and that a lot of shiny silver has been calling my name. But I'm getting better. As your girlfriend so beautifully wrote, it is all about baby steps. I have been taking mine, although small for some time, and yes, it is incredibly easy for me to fall back and relapse, especially with so many questions left on my mind. Questions I will never see answered. This, I will live with. Because, even though you can't see it, my baby steps have gotten bigger and they will continue to grow into great strides as time passes. Time may help heal the wound, but the scars will always remain. Although it isn't a dumb dream, I wish that one day we will become friends again. Through all of the negative bullshit we've both been put through, there were times of happiness, this is something neither of us can deny.

Courtney- There isn't much left for me to say, except to express my sadness for the hurt I may have caused without knowledge of it. My words were not, as I have said, a personal attack on you, but simply an expression of anguish over the idea of you. As much as I appreciate your kind words, there is much to this that you don't know, parts that Charles hasn't shared, parts that he won't share, and parts that he doesn't even understand to be able to share with you. I am able to admit my problems and I have slowly been able to deal with them. They go farther and longer than simply my relationship with him, this he knows. I don't desire to cause anymore pain, issue or turbulance to any of our lives from this point forward. A point that has come far too late. Some day, I will see the beauty in moving forward. I just hope that day comes soon.

While it is impossible for me to ask for a fresh start, I hope that slowly I can cleanse these wounds I have left, and mend what has been broken, if only to turn what is shattered into what is cracked instead of what is perfect. For things can never be perfect after what has happened. Only better.